This is one of those nights when I should be tired...exhausted even...but I'm not. I should be sleeping...not sitting at my desk writing. I don't know why, but it's just one of those nights when I can't manage to shut down and quiet my thoughts.
It may have something to do with all that we have going on right now. BJ is in his last semester at VCU, I'm starting a new job next week, I'm trying to sell my business...and rather than starting classes last week, I deferred my admission to graduate school for one year. We don't know what life is going to look like after BJ graduates, so we wanted to keep all of our options open. I also wanted to take some time to apply to other programs and make sure I'm in the best fit for my goals. So I'm working on taking entrance exams and starting the application process all over again.
Intermixed with all that is a whole list of things that need to happen in the next four weeks - things that are important and are not a part of our regular (hectic) routine. I don't know how they all came together in the month of September, but that's what happened. It's not bad, it's just busy. Even more busy than usual.
My heart is also heavy tonight for some specific families I know of who are experiencing extreme hardship at the moment. I can't shake their stories from my mind right now.
Finally, we have reached the final stretch of this transitional season of our lives and for some reason it is harder now than before. For those of you who don't know, weare living with my parents at the moment. Two years ago we decided to quit our jobs and focus on finishing school as quickly as possible. My parents graciously offered to let us live with them in order to make that happen. We've been here for two years now and the end is in sight. We are starting to realistically talk about what happens next but for some reason, this final push is the hardest. It reminds me of driving home after being out of town. Those last 10-20 minutes are the longest of the trip.
I wouldn't trade anything about the last 2 years. They have been wonderful...challenging, transformative, and inspirational. I am so grateful for the beautiful and difficult times. But I am also ready to be done with transition and to be settled for a little while.
Tonight, all of these things are one my mind.
Early in our marriage (maybe around month 3), BJ and I had finished talking, said goodnight, and turned off the light. Five minutes went by and I started talking again about something I was still tossing around in my head. He didn't say a word, just reached over in the dark and started fumbling his hand over my face.
"What are you doing?!" I said.
"I'm looking for the off button," he responded. "There has to be one somewhere!"
Sorry babe! No off button. It's called being a woman. It's our ability to think about so many things at one time and to multi-task that enables us to become mothers...and it is also the thing that keeps us up at night, processing all of the items on our plates.
Thanks for letting me put all these thoughts to paper tonight. Maybe just writing it down is sufficient for now, because I think I'm ready to go to sleep!